Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven others. Matthew 6:12.
Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:13.
Forgiveness is a fascinating concept to me, and I know of few commandments that are more difficult to keep than the command to forgive. In trying to understand what the Bible means when it comes to forgiving, five questions are needed to supply the understanding. The rest of the article is devoted to these questions.
Why is forgiveness necessary?
People have often thought that the biblical command to forgive was related to primarily righting a wrong. It is not uncommon to hear someone say, “I can never forget what they’ve done to me,” as if there is some correlation between forgetting what the other has done and forgiving them, per the misquote of scripture to “forgive and forget.” Such is never said in scripture, and it would be impossible to accomplish.
Forgiveness is a relief valve, without which resentments and blame grow, often nursed by dwelling on a perceived or actual wrong. Forgiveness removes that resentment, for God to deal with it. God commands forgiveness because of the value it is to our spiritual health.
Who is supposed to forgive?
Forgiveness is, first of all, incumbent on anyone who wants and expects to have a relationship with God. It is God’s nature to forgive, and God expects the same from us. In fact, we pray, “forgive us in the same way we, ourselves, forgive others.
Second, anyone who feels wronged must forgive. Whether it is a real wrong done against them or a wrong that exists only in the mind of the one entertaining it, there is only one response – forgive. The relief valve is opened in the act of forgiveness.
On what is forgiveness based?
Forgiveness is based solely on grace. It is most certainly not based on the merits of the person being forgiven. Or even on the extent of the woundedness of the one forgiving. God gives us no list of occasions when we are exempt from forgiving.
If you think of forgiveness being primarily for the benefit of the forgiver, then the grace of the act begins to make more sense. Why would anyone want to nurture something that is eating them up? Regardless of how serious or minor the forgiven wrong is.
But the forgiven person also experiences benefits that are expressed in the grace-filled and varied way that the forgiver shows Christ’s love to them.
What is necessary to be a forgiving person?
Forgiving another person is an act of will. The personal cost to the forgiving person often depends on the gravity of the forgiven act. For example, forgiving someone who lied to you or stole something from you would be more difficult than forgiving someone who misspoke or forgot your birthday.
Nevertheless, Jesus says to forgive, and Jesus doesn’t grade the offenses for which we must forgive.
Being a forgiving person requires emotional maturity in order to turn loose of grievances. Some people enjoy being victims and live and relive perceived wrongs. Maturity requires being able to say, “how silly of me,” or to recognize and embrace the costs of more difficult forgiveness.
What is the difference between expecting apology and granting forgiveness?
Part of emotional maturity is recognizing the limitations of human insight: personal motives, intention, and awareness lie outside human knowing. In other words, none of us can decipher what is going on internally with another person. It’s impossible.
So, it is one thing to expect another person to confess or admit fault despite not really knowing the truth of the matter. It is a better, more mature response to admit that there are some things you can’t know, and quietly say, “I’m going to drop this.” Call it forgiveness if you wish. It’s actually a bow to the honor in which you hold the relationship. Some things are too important to base on assumptions, projection, or some other better-felt-than-told emotions.
Forgiveness is a relief valve. It is spiritual maturity. It is emotional adulthood. It is the refusal to hang on to either things you know or things you don’t know, because you know, yourself, the grace of Jesus and want to be a conduit of that grace.